ktwall

ktwall @ 2008-08-01T14:47:00

2008-08-01T04:54:10Z

Im going insane, I wish my scales were working. Its driving me crazy not knowing what im at… I cant stop thinking about how fat I am. ARHH. I have fasted today, im doing well. I have downed 5 coffees and its 2.20pm im getting really cold and tired so I think ill have another soon. This afternoon I am going to go shopping for some warm clothes because on Monday I am going to a really cold state for two weeks. Arh another stress, we have a house inspection while I am away, I tried to clean a bit last night but it looks as though I will be cleaning all weekend. Tonight I should get away with no dinner if I stand my ground I WILL I CAN. There is no point in having dinner when I will just want to vomit afterwards. I don’t want to put myself through those depressing feelings I get when I eat.

I got offered a modelling contract, but they will have to wait till I feel thin enough before I let them take portfolio photos. Who knows when that will be.

Soon hopefully. I have 7 days till I see my cousins, 7 days to loose at least 6kg I recon. I can do it if I fast and restrict myself to rice cakes.

Tips Tips Tips

2008-08-01T00:52:18Z

Chromium This trace mineral helps your body to use fat for energy and so may give you a slight edge. In one study, people taking 400 mcg of chromium picolinate a day lost 5 kg over three months, compared with a 3 kg loss in those taking a placebo.
Chitosan This is a substance derived from crustacean shells that slows down the absorption of fat in the intestine. As a bonus, some research indicates it may cut levels of fat and cholesterol in the blood.
Brindleberry (Garcinia combogia) and St John's wort (Hypericum perforatum) The active ingredient hydroxycitric acid (HCA) found in the extract of this Indian fruit may quell hunger pangs. Some experts link depression with overweight and St John's wort has a mild antidepressant effect.
Spirulina, kelp and seaweed These all contain iodine, which may boost a sluggish metabolic rate. Your metabolic rate is the rate at which energy is used and released by cells: a higher rate means that more energy is used and more body fat is burned.

ktwall @ 2008-07-31T15:12:00

2008-07-31T05:17:22Z

One day this obsession will kill me I know it, either ill starve to death or ill go crazy and kill myself. I hate saying things like this, but that’s how I feel. I wish someone could stop my evil thoughts of self destruction That’s what they are, Im being honest. I really wish I could have a normal life, and not hate myself 24 7. I wonder if ill ever be cured or if ill ever be thin. ALL I WANT IS BONES.

ktwall @ 2008-07-31T11:25:00

2008-07-31T01:32:16Z

Sadly this week i think if i weighed myself i would be a shockinly huge 121lb / 55kg I honestly i think i ruined any progress that i made DUMB ASS FATTY
NEVER EATING EVER AGAIN errrr i wish.

ktwall @ 2008-07-31T11:02:00

2008-07-31T01:07:25Z

I just had a sausage roll, im soooooooooooooooooooooooo angry at myself, im pathetic I don’t know what the point of food is. All it ever does is make me depressed anxious and I feel as though I wish I could cut out my stomach. I feel like people stare at me thinking “look how fat she is, look at her gut” WHY cant I be normal, why cant I eat normally. I like ana because when something is going wrong in my life I have ana to think about rather than the problem, but when my life is fine and I think im happy ana is still there, still haunting me. I can feel the food inside me now I feel like there is just so much fat in me that no one could ever love me. I know the consequences of eating so why do I still do it. I feel disgusted while im eating, before I eat and after I eat but I cant help it.

I wish my nails were longer so I could tear the skin off my face, that’s the punishment I deserve. I want to go and purge but im at work and it will be really obvious. Oh im so bloated and feral WHY GOD WHY.

My poem

2008-07-30T03:26:28Z

Iam ashamed

Iam lard

Iam cellulite

Iam all of this

I want pride

I want bones

I want thin

Iam none of this

Does anyone care

I wonder

Does anyone realize

I hope not

HOW EMBARRASING if they did

I feel disgusting

I feel ugly

I feel alone

Only ana cares

She distracts me from my problems

She eases my pain

She takes away lifes stress

a bit of a bitch session

2008-07-29T23:43:12Z

WOW its been ages since I have posted, I found some scales and I have lost 2.6 kg since my fast. I havnt binged in agers which is brilliant cause it means I havnt had to purge. I have been having 5 grapes a day and its going well. I havnt been exercising cause its been really cold but I will start as soon as the weather warms up. I have hired a personal trainer also to start when I want I am hoping that by having a trainer it will help me from becoming addicted to exercise. I don’t want to feel like I have to run for an hour everytime I eat a strawberry.

I found another community called lol anaz they are the rudest group of people I have ever spoken to, I cried when they wrote back to my post, they insulted me and judged me it was horrible. I felt soooo depressed I have never been hurt that much ever by anyone in a community here, it felt to me as though they were trying take ana away from me they were trying to say that I had no place with ana. HOW DARE THEY.

I cant believe how horrible this community is, they should be banned. They have no idea about the people they are talking to and obviously no concern for them either.

I have had ana for years now but seriously who cares if someone has only had it for a few months they are still sick it is still a problem and they still need support.

Why are people in this world so hurtful, people with ana shouldn’t have to prove themselves to anyone. ERRR it makes me so angry that people are allowed to get away with treating each other like that. I wont name names because im not a nasty person, these people know who they are and they will get there karma.

Only god can judge me.

ktwall @ 2008-07-25T14:41:00

2008-07-25T04:48:41Z

My latest discovery:

Strawberries = 2 cals
Grapes = 3 cals
Coffee = 50 cals
Rice cake = 16
Orange = 100

Egg
Boiled = 13
Omlette = 23
Poached = 74
Scrambled = 23

Apple = 50 cals

ktwall @ 2008-07-25T13:51:00

2008-07-25T03:56:12Z

o I went all yesterday with out being addicted to this site and posting a massive entry, today my will power isn’t as great so I need to post once again about my obsession. As my fat ass broke the scales I still cant share my current weight, disappointing news – I was doing sooooooooooo well 3 days of fasting and then last night right before dinner I binged, not heaps but I still ruined my fast. I would have to say I consumed a massive 800cals last night. I wanted to purge after but I couldn’t cause my boyfriend was there. Tonight ill do better, I have done well all day today no food so far. This morning I was really depressed about my binge last night, I felt so helpless all that food inside me and there was nothing I could do to get rid of it. I feel better now because my stomach is rumbling once again. I love the feeling of hunger it makes me feel like im achieving my goal. Im really cold, I hate feeling cold but then again I like it because its spose to speed up your metabolism. I have had about 5 coffees so far today to keep me full and awake. I plan on doing this fast till around the middle of next week if I can hold out that long I will try my hardest.

ktwall @ 2008-07-23T15:28:00

2008-07-23T05:33:15Z

Im assuming im at about 52kgs or 114.4lb at the moment but I cant tell for sure because I have no scales. By Friday I better be at 50kg 110lb I will be so depressed if im not, and then hopefully I wont binge on the weekend and I will get to 48kg / 105.6 by next Monday. If I get to 48 kg my BMI will be at 17.6, that would be fantastic.

NO FOOD - NO FOOD - NO FOOD.

I was quite disappointed when I got my pro ana bracelet in the mail, it is way to big for me and I ordered the small size. Oh well now I just keep it in my bag. Today I have had 5 coffees so far and I will have one more when I get home, totalling at 6 coffees for today – I think that’s what im averaging on at the moment per day during the week. On weekends I have heaps more than 6, the weekends are some much harder to fast, there are people constantly eating around me all the time so it gets really tempting.

I need more thinspiration around my home, but not obvious thinspo cause I don’t want people getting suss. I have written 45 J on my fridge to prevent myself from eating naughty foods, when people ask why I have 45 on my fridge I tell them its my po box number and then they are no longer suss.

ktwall @ 2008-07-23T09:48:00

2008-07-22T23:53:03Z

I have finally been successful at my fast, its only been one day but im going strong. Last night it was so difficult trying to stay away from food but I did it, I thought about my hips and I grabbed a cigarette and went outside, I sat down and thought about what the consequences would be if I were to eat. Think thin stay strong don’t give in is what I told myself and it worked.

My scales broke last night, it’s a sign that im to fat. I was going to weigh myself on my mums scales this morning but decided not to, I will have more determination if I don’t know how much weight im loosing if any weight at all. I am also going to print a massive picture of Miranda Kerr and stick it in my food pantry, so that when I go to get food I will just see her and her skinny body. If I fast for the next 4 days I should at least get back to 50kg / 110lb maybe if im strong enough I will get below 50kg and bring myself closer to my GW: 45kg /99lb.

I WILL NOT EAT

STARVATION IS THE ONLY WAY

ktwall @ 2008-07-22T14:38:00

2008-07-22T04:43:27Z

I love ana. I couldn’t survive life without ana, why are people so judging. A girl I work with just offered me some food and I said no, and she said arnt you eating this week and I said “no actually cause im a pig” lol so funny cause she thinks im joking IM NOT. I so desperately want to talk to someone about how I feel, tell them all about ana, but I think that’s just because im so obsessed with ana I want to talk about it all the time. I have to stop myself from saying stuff about it, cause I know once I do say something everyone will try and take ana away from me. I wont let that happen, no matter how much I want to scream to the world about ana I wont, its my little secret that only I know. I wish someone I knew loved ana as much as me, I know one girl who is ana but not to the same extent as me. She thinks its bad for me to want to look like Nicole Ritchie at 37kg. Seriously people must think she was beautiful or are they blind to the natural beauty of bones, maybe they are scared to admit that its beautiful because they fear people will judge them. ????????????? I don’t know.

I seriously have that much fat on me its ridiculous, I feel so disgusting. Looking at the fat on my arms and my stomach and my legs and butt is seriously enough to make a person (even with the strongest gut) feel ill. How can anyone bare to look at me or talk to me. I’m not worth anything. My whole body is covered in cellulite, how can that ever be attractive. Sometimes I remember back to when I was beautiful and confidant, that’s how I want to be again, and I will only be happy when I am a size 6 again. When I can wear what ever I want, do what ever I want and have what ever I want, oh I sound pathetic.

hate myself im weak

2008-07-22T01:50:38Z

Last night was horrible so much for fasting, I binged a total of about 600 cals. I don’t know why I do it to myself what’s the point in eating when it just makes me depressed, why do I do it. I weighed myself again this morning and I am still a depressing 53kg / 117lbs. I cant seem to focus myself on my fast I keep giving in at dinner time. I looked in the mirror this morning and was so embarrassed about how fat I look. I just want to hide myself away until im beautiful. Then I will emerge and shock everyone I know. In ten days im going away for my work for two weeks, my boyfriend is going to be so angry at me. He hates me travelling. Im upset about leaving but also excited cause im going to see my family that live in another state, I haven’t seen them in years I want them to think I am really thin so I have to fast for the next 12 days, before I see them. I probly wont have computer access while I am away so I wont be able to keep a journal of how my days are going. I will need to do up a thinspo book before I leave because other wise I wont have anything to keep me on track or focused.

I have been smoking so many cigarettes lately and drinking so much coffee, I think I binged last night cause I ran out of smokes, I will need to make sure that doesn’t happen ever again. From now on when I feel like im going to binge im going to grab a cigarette instead, I know its not a very healthy idea but at least it will stop food going in my mouth. I have also found that coke zero is a great alternative to coffee cause it has nothing in it at all, and because I get in trouble for drinking lots of coffee I think that drinking more coke might be a really good idea. Both coke and coffee goes well with cigarettes.

List of foods I am restricting myself to:

Strawberries

Coffee

Water

Coke Zero

99% fat free rice cracker

Green Grapes

½ an Orange

And any other foods under 200 cals.

Need to be 99 by the 4^th of the 8^th

TT & SS

ktwall @ 2008-07-21T15:20:00

2008-07-21T05:25:35Z

Today I have been doing well, I managed to pass up cake and even made a joke about my massive binge last night to get people off my back. It worked. I was speaking with my friend who lives overseas about ana and she was saying that pro ana sites should be banned, it made me furious so I spilled everything to her in an effort to make her understand that pro ana is good, its about helping each other through the inevitable. I think I got through to her. If only I could convince the rest of the world if only they knew what a big help pro ana sites are, maybe if the world actually understood ana then it would work. So many people think it’s a choice it really annoys me cause it makes them critical towards me and judging. People are cruel. That’s just life.

I have so much to say but don’t know how to put my feelings into words.

WHY: everytime I am stressed or something isn’t going well or someone isn’t treating me right I turn to my ana and she is always there for support, always there helping to perfect me, keeping my mind off other problems that she knows Iam depressed about. At night when I go to sleep she is there telling me to hug myself so I can feel just how many of my ribs are showing. When I try on clothes she insists I buy black, it will make me feel better to wear a slimming colour. Grocery shopping is no challenge when ana is with me, she will erge me to read the cals on every lable and she will help ensure that I only buy foods that I despise.

I obsess over my ana, I think about her every day and try to bring her into my everyday life somehow. I treat her with loyalty and respect, cause I know one day she will help me to succeed at perfection. She gives me strength daily to keep myself motivated on my quest. She makes me smile when my stomach begins to feel starvation. I feel proud that I hold such will power. When I feel dizzy during a fast I know I am loosing and so I will exercise to speed the process along.

She owns my soul mind and body, she won’t let me fail. She will be with me always.

I will be successful and beautiful thanks to ana, she will be proud of me and I will be proud of myself. Headaches, blurred vision, drowsiness, lack of concentration, mood swings it is all worth it. I don’t care about the consequences, I love my ana and I will never let her down.

getting on track

2008-07-20T23:33:50Z

I hate myself WHERE is my will power, I have binged so much over the past week. I have almost been eating normally. I was 110 lb now im 117 err I was doing well and now I have stuffed it all up. starting today I am beginning a five day fast. The crap I have out in my mouth over the last week has been all high cal and I havnt exercised at all. Yesterday I went to the beach and felt so uncomfortable in my bikinis it was really embarrassing. As previously said I have decided that wearing baggy clothes makes me look thinner so that’s what I have been doing. I watched a story on the news about ana and now doctors have come up with a test you can take to find out if your ana or if you have the genetic gene in your brain that causes ana I thought it was quite interesting. There is still no cure though Im glad.

I put a dress on layby on the weekend to wear to my friends 21^st I got a size 10 Aus but I almost fitted into the size 8 aus just an inch to go, I was disappointed that im not there already but I know I will be eventually. The size ten is really loose and isn’t as fitted as I would have liked, but it was ok cause there was a girl trying on the same dress next to me and she had to get a size 12 so that made it a bit easier. I have decided im going to start surfing again, its so good for weight loss, cause you use your whole body. My ana friend is going to do it with me, when I used to surf I was a size 6 aus and eating normal, so just imagine how tiny ill be surfing and starving at the same time YAY something to look forward to. Anyways my tum is grumbling so im off to make a coffee THE FAST BEGINS.

TT & SS xoxo

ktwall @ 2008-07-11T13:01:00

2008-07-11T03:06:00Z

IM SO FAT IM SO UGLY

YAY

2008-07-10T23:50:58Z

Whoo Hooo, I have reached 110lbs only 11lbs to go till my first goal weight. Last night I rewarded my efforts and went on a huge designer fashion shopping spree, I even had to ask for a dress in extra small YAY. But im not getting to excited I still havnt reach my goal weight. I fasted all day yesterday with success im so proud at the moment. My sex drive is decreasing badly, my boyfriend and I had a massive fight about it this morning, I wish I could tell him why but I don’t think he would understand, he thinks ana is a choice but for me its not, this is how I am, this is my life obsession. Arhh I have the hiccups its really annoying. Last night I brought some new gym clothes to get me motivated to exercise. I cant wait till I reach my GW.

Love lots

very long entry

2008-07-10T04:41:18Z

Well today has been interesting, I went to the toilet this morning without having to take something to make me go, and then I went again at lunch sooo it is a bit strange. Last night I was at a friends house and I had a spoon full of vanilla ice cream I felt so angry at myself for giving into temptation. Then I went home and did 25 sit ups I know I know it wasn’t enough, so this morning I exercised for 30min. Maybe that’s what helped me go to the toilet. Anyways im spose to be fasting but I havnt been doing well im still having at least 60cals a day, NOT GOOD. I was to nervous to weigh myself this morning, I don’t want the scales to say the same as what they said last time. Last night my boyfriend and I were talking about weight loss and I said “I know you want me to be skin and bone and he was like no I don’t” I think hes only saying that, then I said “well I want to be anyway” and he was like you don’t need to. Stuff it that’s want I want and that’s what ill get, no one can stop me.

Im quite disappointed, my ana bracelet still hasn’t shown up in the mail, I cant wait to get it. Today I have had about 5 or 6 coffees crazy, and its only 2.20pm. I will have another 3 before the day is over. I will probly have some grapes or strawberries for dinner. I have been feeling slightly WHOO HOO dizzy today, but if that’s the price I have to pay for perfection than so be it.

At my work there is a van that comes around daily selling pies and rolls and all sorts a shitty foods, it comes at 10.00 every day so now I have set a thing on my computer that pops up every day saying STVE which of course is short for starve. Its great I haven’t been out to that stupid food van since I started. Every day I find new things to keep me going so that I don’t binge. Being at home is the hardest. The veggie idea is going well cooking food I hate hehehe, and also going to bed earlier, but by the time I get home anyway im stuffed and have no energy so I like going to be early.

God I have just been rambling on and on today. I have 1 ½ days to go till my weigh in I better have lost OH I will be pissed off if I haven’t. SOOOOOOO MADD. And if I have lost im going shopping.

Love forever my ana

blah blah blah

2008-07-09T01:14:44Z

Havnt binged YAY, I had some strawberries and that’s its. My weight is at a stand still though which makes me angry. At least I havn’t gained. I have been watching all sex and the city episodes b4 I go see the movie and Sarah Jessica Parker is so thin im soooooooo jealous. I disappointed myself again this morning because I didn’t get up and exercise, I just need a little more motivation These cals are not going to be burnt by themselves. Last night my boyfriend asked why I had letters written on my wrist, I said its my bosses safe combination phewwww. Maybe this afternoon I will exercise. I think I have pretty much mastered the act of keeping ana secret. When my mum asks me why I havnt eaten I will say “I ate so much for breakfast I feel so fat now” and when she says you have lost weight I say “Um I wish, there is no way, I have gained just look at the size of my legs” I always ask people for recipes and tell people how yummy the dinner I had was, even though I havn’t eaten, and then they think you are eating, and rarely question you.

Today I have had 3 coffees so far by this afternoon it will be 6 coffees then some strawberries and hopefully 30min of exercise. This weekend I was going to treat myself to a major $4000 shopping spree weekend if I reached my weekly target weight but I don’t think that will happen. My punishment will be exercising all weekend.

Oh I am really board, im at work and I cant focus my mind on anything else but ana its so annoying. My hunger pains are worse than yesterday which is great, I feel thinner than yesterday but the scales say the same as yesterday. FRUSTRATING

chit chat

2008-07-08T05:15:29Z

Here we go again, another post. So yesterday I fasted then I selfishly had to pieces of chocolate and ruined my day of fasting, then I was even to fat and lazy to get out of bed this morning and work it off. Today I am fasting again and I feel stronger than yesterday so hopefully I don’t give in to temptation latter. I just look forward to the day that I can fit into my size 6 (AUST) jeans and they will be loose.

My dad is working overseas again at the moment, he spends almost the whole year away, he will be back at the end of august and I want to be really tiny when he sees me, I just want him to be proud. It was weird he sent me a postcard last week, normally he never writes or calls me so that was nice.

I am aspiring to be only skin and bone nothing in between, is that to dramatic??

I don’t think it is, I hate how my friends think im weird for thinking that Nicole Ritchie at 37kg looked hot. SHE DID and im not ashamed to say it. My collar bone is showing more and more everyday, why cant my legs loose fat that fast. My mum keeps saying I look like I have lost but I don’t believe her. I don’t feel like I really have yet, maybe I will when my legs and hips shrink.

Anyways I better be off LOVE LOTS TT & SS

This is what i want to look like

Im being a post whore

2008-07-07T06:12:54Z

So at the moment I am really bored, so to keep my mind off food im writing my journal again today.

Today:112lbs

Goal for the 14/7/08: 105.6lbs

25/7/08: 101.2lbs

4/8/08: 99lbs

I am trying to be realistic, hopefully I reach my weekly targets, I will be so angry at myself if I don’t. The only food I really have in my fridge at the moment are green grapes and strawberries. There are frozen meals but my boyfriend should eat them before I get a chance. Im guessing if I just fast and have the occasional grape I should reach my goals. I am so lazy, I have a gym in my complex but I never use it, I get scared to go by myself Im really paranoid about it, and it frustrates me so much because I know if I wasn’t scared to go by myself I would loose so much so fast, there is even a lap pool.

Does wrapping glad wrap around yourself when exercising really help you loose or do u just sweat more Interesting…

Also this is me in the dress.

Anyways love you all TT & SS

update

2008-07-07T04:42:26Z

Yesterday was quite ok, I fasted all day once again, then I blew by having dinner, but it was only egg so I spose it wasn’t that bad. Today I have been fasting again and when I get home ill have a few strawberries for dinner.

The other night I was texting one of my ana buddies, and my boyfriend read wat I wrote to her, “I feel so shit from all the food I ate I just want to purge” I was soooooooo embarrassed. He hasn’t said anything to me about it so im not sure if he even knew what I was talking about.

I cant wait to get my ana braclet from ebay, it will keep me on track. At the moment I have just been wrighting in pen on my wrist “What would ana do” but in letter form so no one knows WWAD and also “ Hunger hurts but starving works” HHSW lol im so obsessed WHY. All I think about is ana all day, it drives me crazy sometimes.

Lately its been taking me 2 hrs to get ready to leave my house, im so paranoid about all my clothes, so I have been wearing baggy dresses to hide my heap of FAT.

I have started taking progress pictures of myself but im a bit to self conscious to post them still. I wish I had Miranda kerrs body SHES BEAUTIFUL. At the moment CW: 112

Ok beauties TT & SS xoxox

ktwall @ 2008-07-03T12:58:00

2008-07-03T03:02:46Z

So yesterday I fasted all day until dinner (my weakness) I binged then purged (second time ever) then binged again, took some laxatives and went to the toilet so hopefully I got it all out.

Crazy news – the girl I live with has just come to realize and admit her ana to me and last night we purged together OMG it felt so strange.

Is there any easy way to purge? I find it soooooooooo hard.

I should just stop binging then I wouldn’t have to purge.

Ive fasted all day today but now I feel a little weak, but that’s a good thing cause it means there is no food in my stomach YAY.

Anyways I better go

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH

Stay strong xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

New stats

2008-07-01T23:38:12Z

Well last time i looked i was 114

GW: 99

I still havnt reached it WHY cant i stay focased.

ktwall @ 2008-06-30T11:08:00

2008-06-30T01:13:10Z

Hi all,

Well I was going so well with my fast I lost 5 kg in a week, but then on Friday night I fainted twice in front of all my friends including the girl I live with who is also ana and she knows I am and she blurted out SHE HASN’T EATEN in fornt of everyone so now every one has been watching me so yesterday I ate half a pizza WTF to get them off my back ewww I feel gross I bet the 5kg I lost is back, im to scared to check the scales

Love you all xoxo